The Covid shuffle dance

 The Covid shuffle Dance.

Step forward, step back, step to the side and repeat. Endlessly. On good days I socially distance with a smile and a wave. On bad days I keep my head down. Most days I simply step to side to let fellow walkers stride past and carry on. Not up, not down, just carrying on walking. 

Step forward day.  Feb 18th. I had my first vaccine. Pfizer. You get whichever one is on offer. It felt good. As if I could see a way ahead.

Step sideways. February 22nd, the much anticipated date for lockdown easing, is a damp squib. Such a disappointment. The usual fudge from this useless Government.

The only fundamental change at this stage is the return of schools on March 8th. Fair enough that this should be a priority but to have nothing else for everyone else is a slap in the face. 

Hopes were raised and dashed that social rules would be relaxed to allow for the return of the rule of 6 outside. As the infection rate and death rate continues to fall it seemed a no brainer. But no.

Cue many days where I feel as if I am walking backwards.

In Lewes we are down from a high of over 800 positive tests per 10,000 people to a mere 71. 

UK death rates have dropped from an appalling high of over 1500 a day to an average of less than 500 a day. 

But still no earlier release, no parole for a weary nation, we must wait for 5 more long weeks before being allowed out for good behaviour.

I understand the need to get our schools open. Home schooling has replaced schools for far too long, parents are exhausted, many combining this with home working. Teachers trying to teach virtually alongsdie in the classroom for key worker children  are exhausted. No one knows the long term effects of these school closures on education or on the mental health of a generation.

Homes were never meant to be schools. Teachers deserve more pay! And the arguments over what to do over this year's exam grades have only just begun, Poor students. Poor parents. Poor teachers. What a complete and utter fiasco. 

Stepping backwards with heavy tread and a heavy heart. The prospect of another month of lockdown. 

In the greater scheme of life a few more weeks is nothing but I am weighed down with sadness, I miss my grandchildren so much, my family, my friends.

Today I walked with a friend robbed of final hours with her dying mother due to Covid restrictions. Spoke to another whose partner died suddenly last week (non Covid) , doubly cruel after a year of lost time together. Their plans for marriage and moving in together had been on hold and now it is too late. 

Covid has robbed so many people of so much bar Covid itself.  It has taken away time, time with loved ones, time to laugh, time to cry. Funerals are restricted, we cannot even celebrate the lives of those we mourn. 

Now we must wait with bated breath and pray to any Gods we worship that sending all schools years back en masse does not force back up the infection/illness/death rate. 

Only then do we get our freedom back. In small steps. provisionally March 29th is the rule of 6 outside, 12 April will allow overnight stays, shops, etc. Incremental openings through to June. Possibly. 

Do I dare hope. Good days yes, bad days no, most days I find it best to side step hope, I cannot bear it. 

A gap in time

A gap in time 

Weeks have passed in isolation, silence, dark days and dark moods.

Freezing weather and asthma are not a good combination. My daily life has been restricted by minus temperatures and as the thermometer drops so does my mood. 

Vaccine rollout has dominated the headlines. The UK is topping the charts, 15 million and counting as of Fen 15th. On target, according to a jubilant Boris Johnson.

I was due to get one soon. in group 6, people with underlying health conditions. But I am one of millions sacrificed to political gain.

Asthma sufferers who have not have emergency admissions are bumped out. Group 6 is simply too big to allow the Gov to make its next target of all over 50s by end of April. 

And after all what do people matter when there is a political headline at stake.

What has saved me is the love of my family. My daughter worked from home for a week so she could take a weeks leave and we could literally embrace the support bubble we legally enjoy. 

Staying covid secure whilst she had to work in the office in January limited us to outdoor walks, better than nothing but omg so wonderful to be able to share hugs, sofa time, lazy lunches.

I miss everyone far away so much. The Alexa show screen has been a much needed luxury which is worth every pound, enabling me to play interactively with Bea and Martha. Letters wing their way acoss the miles. 

Lily sings and dances across the miles from Norfolk, whilst little sister Rosie laughs when she sees me, reassuring my wobbly heart that memory is still intact, she may not be able to say grandma but she knows who I am and every little precious moment counts. 

The joy which fills me heart when I see their faces is beyond words. I am one of the lucky ones, I know, and although some days it simply feels to hard to go on I continue because of my wonderful family. 

I may not yet have seen my youngest sons new home in London but his video calls have been brilliant in making me feel included. I long to see him and see his and his partner's new home in reality. One day...

Time has lost all meaning. Days merge into weeks, weeks into months. Despite the successful vaccine rollout an end to lockdown seems a long while off.  This Government, rightly or wrongly, has finally decided that "lock and release " is not the answer, that this lockdown has to be the last, irreversible, time.

Numbers have dropped, infection rates, death rates and hospital admission rates. But whether to vaccine or lockdown it is hard to tell. If we open up society too early the virus may well flare up with a vengance. But if we do not soon everyone will simply go mad.

Mental health issues are at an all time high. Teenagers, who have in the main been fantastic at simply getting on with it, home schooling, exam chaos, lack of social life, sporting activities, etc etc, are now reporting record figures of mental health problems. 

Furlough is due to end in April and logic dictates the jobless total will rocket. The Chancellor has a budget to deliver soon. The nation holds it breath to see just how on earth he is going to square the circle of the incredible cost of this last year.

There are early signs of spring. Snowdrops pushed through the snow, daffodils are blooming, trees are in bud. On good days I can feel optimistic that one day I will get my life back. On bad days I simply try to keep calm and carry on. 

You couldn't make it up....

 You couldn't make it up.

What will folk make of this disaster in years to come?  I can only imagine the shock and horror of future generations looking at this pandemic and wondering if it can possibly be real.

Trust me, we couldn't make this up. Today the UK has reached the grim total of 100,000 Covid related deaths. Hospital admissions are still over 1,000 a day causing vital cancer treatments and urgent operations to be cancelled. 

Glastonbury , cancelled last year, is cancelled yet again, dashing everyone's hopes of an anything like normal summer, yet alone a spring reprieve.

 

Boris Johnson still refuses to rule for a strict lockdown as it would mean paying people to stay at home. Economy wins over health. Those who can work from home must, but those who can't carry on, and there is a lot of "carrying on". 

Shops closed under the non essential retail clause open for click and collect -which often takes time enough to allow for browsing in the queues-take aways abound, markets open in the town, and resulting crowds everywhere, on foot, on the roads, on bikes.  

Tinkering around the edges is not helping. The Government is currently discussing quarantine hotels as it is a standing joke that our airports allow free access and no one ever checks up on those supposed to be isolating on arrival. As business and industry are resisting, our borders remain as relaxed as everywhere else.

The United Kingdom is the laughing stock of the world. The irony of trying to walk this tightrope between health and wealth is that the UK wobbled and toppled.  

We have the highest Covid death rate in the world and one of the steepest recessions. Double fail. 

Redundancies are at an all time high and can only climb once the furlough scheme is withdrawn. The jobless total has risen to 5%.  Business large and small are biting the dust. Flagship high street chains such as Debenhams are closed for good.

January seems endless. British black humour has replaced the blitz spirit. 

trending on Facebook , summing up the public mood.

Pre weekend Gov press conference of doom and dire warnings for law breakers back fired. The public have, statistically and against all predictions, behaved remarkably well and are fed up with taking the blame for mismanagement.

Cue too much criticism for even the most thick skinned of Governments. Boris Johnson today came out and apologised for the beyond belief death rate, declaring the vaccine rollout will save us and managed to avoid for once telling us it is all our fault.

And as for vaccines, you definitely couldn't make this up. Less than a month after Brexit transition ends and the EU and the UK are embroiled in a vaccine row.  AstraZeneca vaccines to the EU are being delayed due to production issues. The EU claim we have taken to many for ourselves and are threatening to deny us access to the Pfizer vaccine, produced in the EU.  Seriously.

Me, I walk. Endlessly. I look forward to weekends when I can meet my daughter.    Face time with my granddaughters lights up my day.  I write them letters, send them little gifts. I miss them so much my heart is breaking. 

My days drift past in a haze of walking, blocking out the building noise outside, pouring distraction podcasts and audiobooks in my ears to quiet my mind. 

Day after day. One day at a time. 

 

Where to start..

Where to start...

The grim fact that the UK officially has the highest Covid 19 death rate in the world?*

The ghastly death rates averaging over 1,000 daily?

The complete breakdown of trust in Government which prioritises wealth over health?

The bleak, grey, wet January days merging into endless barren empty wastelands?

"Blue Monday" has come and gone in a January where everyday is blue.  

The days merge into one. My husband works silently in his office, shutting out the building work opposite with noise reducing headphones. 

My car has been used so infrequently that it refuses to start when asked.The battery has given up the ghost. I know how it feels.

Staying positive is hard in the face of unremitting bad news. 

The Government's latest strategy to keep moral high is to play the mass vaccination card.  Hah. Whilst in fairness vaccine rollout is gathering steam, 4 million (officially) done and counting, it does not take a maths genius to work out that s only another 62 million to go then.

Controversy rages over priority groups. Elderly obviously, after that care workers, medical staff....but teachers want a shot, early years workers want a shot, police want a shot, the list goes on. 

Meanwhile the WHO accuses the world of moral catastrophe over vaccine hoarding as rich first nations hog the lions share of the available vaccines.  Shameful.

Press conferences are so monotonous the main headline recently was Boris Johnson and Professor Chris Whitty bickering over the meaning of 'spring' and who had mislead the public first into thinking we would be out of the woods before Easter.  Its okay , guys, none of us believed either of you anyway.

Staying local is a joke. The downs above our house are now more crowded than cities. Going for a walk is like riding dodgems. The streets of the village are packed with visiting cars. So much for Police enforcing stay local. 

By trial and error I have learnt to find quiet places and quiet times. But it too is getting harder as farmers , once welcoming, are now locking gates to preserve crops and livelihoods for hoards of inconsiderate walkers and the January weather has turned paths into rivers of mud.

Me, I pass my days a day at time. I run. I walk. In solitude mostly. With my daughter at weekends. I resist the urge to become a recluse and have a few trusted friends as walk buddies.  I work to feel useful thought I would feel more useful if my work was valued enough to merit a salary. 

This time last year I was off to India, a free spirit, loving life with my family, my grandchildren, my friends.  

This year my world is bereft of everything which gave it joy. I hold on to hope as each day disappears into the mists of wasted time. I wade on, a day at a time, through the January gloom.

 For reference

Happy anniversary 😒

Saturday Jan 9th.

My 39th wedding anniversary.

No cards, no flowers. Neither Paul or I will risk our lives going shopping for the sake of tokens.

On Friday 1,325 Covid related  deaths were recorded in the UK, the highest figure in a single day since the pandemic began.

Hospitals throughout London and the Southeast have declared a major incident. Medical chiefs advise beds and oxygen are at capacity. God forbid anyone gets ill now.

Ambulances queue for hours outside hospitals unable to unload seriously ill people. Non Covid patients are in dire straits, cancer operations have been cancelled, major surgeries postponed, accident victims left in agony for lack of services and staff.

The UK Lockdown is universally deemed to lightweight but this Government seems oblivious. 

Schools are shut to all but key workers. However, with many, many more businesses are open , far more than in the first lockdown, and those who cannot work from home being deemed "key", the pupil numbers are still high.

In the second lockdown schools remained open. Now, in lockdown three, the rules regarding businesses stay as in lockdown two, i.e. soft. 

Garden centres, pet shops, builders merchants, health food shops, the list of essential businesses is long and growing. People who cannot work from home can send their children to school. 

Plus now the rule is only one parent at work , not two as in the spring lockdown, entitles a child to a place, alongside those who have no access to a laptop , plus the vulnerable, plus the parents who simply can't cope, etc, etc.

Yesterday I heard of a teacher in a local school who has died of Covid. This new variant is lethal and children are super spreaders. 

The Government is under pressure to change the leniency of lockdown. This is not lockdown as we knew it last year. This is a mess.

This week also brought shocking news from America. Wednesday Jan 6th violence broke out in Washington,  protestors stormed the Capitol in a (failed) bid to prevent lawmakers certifying Joe Biden's Presidential victory. 

Four people died in the riots. Trump organised the march, incited his supporters to rise up and protest. Despite his subsequent declaration of innocence, he has been banned from Twitter and social media platforms. There are calls to impeach him rather than allow this madman even another 12 days of presidency. 

Less than 10 days into 2021. Not a good start to the new year. 

  

One day at a time

"How do you do it said night
How do you wake and shine
I keep it simple said light
One day at a time"

Lines by Lem Sissay saying better than I can how it feels today.

This is my Coronavirus Diaries part 2, 2021. 

A new blog for an old story.

Last year I began writing what I then believed was a unique journey , a travelogue of beginning, middle and end. I had no idea that one year on I would be living in a nightmare with no end in sight.

The 2020 blog entries until September were part of a universal diary collecting individual accounts of the first lockdown. 

Now reading back we seem collectively naive, innocent, trusting and incredibly optimistic.

By the summer the country had been released from lockdown, with social distancing in place admittedly but overall life seemed normal.

Funding for projects ceased. The lockdown was done, in every sense.

Schools, universities, colleges , all returned in the autumn and unleashed a second wave of this deadly virus in all its fury.

By Christmas we were in the mire. I had by then began writing only for myself, drawing my blog away from its collective link as I distrusted the social policy uses involved.

For those who entrusted me with their voices earlier in the year thank you. Those entries are safely in Mass Obs in a project which was ringfenced in August and rests in trusted hands for perpetuity.

As I begin this new year and new blog, the hopes and dreams which sustained us last year are in tatters. 

The new variant of the virus is lethal. Today the UK recorded over 1 000 deaths. 

Vaccines are here but so far barely anyone has had one. There is an endgame but it is so far out we cannot see the finishing line. 

The country is officially in lockdown. Schools, colleges and universities are shut. However,  nurseries are open, as are garden centres, and so many "essential" shops that this is a vastly different lockdown to last year. Traffic is as bad as ever. Buses and trains continue to run. 

Why? Shut everything, surely? But what we learned last year is the cost of this to the economy and to mental health. This Government says it is trying to balance those with the need to keep us safe.

I believe that is a cop out. Stunningly incompetent.

We have been led down blind alleys, turned round so many U turns, and finally tipped into a cess pit. 

No use looking to the Government for help. Failed track and trace app, failed mass testing, failed in every safety net which could have saved people.

I am grateful that I and those I love are well.  To remain well means avoiding everything and everyone we hold dear, family, friends, life as we knew it. 

It feels impossible. One day at a time is the only way forward.