Onwards and upwards.
My life is opening up and I am moving forward. Literally pulling myself onwards and upwards, forcing myself out of the blackness , moving step by step out into a world full of colour, love and laughter once again.
Easter has come and gone. In typical English fashion a brief spell of glorious sunshine ended in an artic blast in time for Good Friday and the long Easter weekend.
From March 29 six people or two households can gather outside. Don the scarfs, woolly hats and gloves and be grateful for small mercies.
I have seen two of my four grandchildren for the first time since Xmas Day. A day of mixed emotions. In so many ways it was a normal Sunday bbq, fun in the garden, walking country lanes, playing games.
To the outside eye it seemed so normal. Inside my heart, mind, body and soul, it was so hard. There was no talk of covid, of lost times, of hugging or kissing (still not allowed) or any outward show of emotion.
By opening these floodgates an unstoppable tidal wave of grief would have washed over us. So by common unspoken consent we simply pretend it has not happened.
On a daily basis I fight the weight of depression pushing me down. It sits on my eyelids every morning until I force it off. It sits on my chest until I walk it away. It sits inside my brain until I drown it out with the company of friends and family.
Worst of all it is inside my heart. A leaden lump formed from months and months of feeling hopeless, useless, lost and worthless. All I can do is keep moving, onwards and upwards, in every way, until the weight falls away, until I feel myself once again.
No comments:
Post a Comment